Dishing out the dirt

Last week, as I stepped into our chemist’s, the young assistant exclaimed: “We’ve just been talking about you.”

I feared the worst. Does she know something I don’t? How many days have I got left to live? 

“I’’ve been suffering from insomnia lately”, she said. “so, I’ve been reading your old TripAdvisor responses to people’s reviews. They’re so funny that I’ve been laughing my head off at 3 in the morning. I even woke my baby up, last night!”

The episode brought back memories of Tripadvisor and my sarcastic answer to the odd, unfair review.  I was all for constructive criticism but when it goes beyond that, then I responded accordingly. 

Below is one of my favourites which was written by a Spanish visitor to the Tapas Bar over three years ago:

They don´t have spanish food.

“Me and my husband went today to try some spanish food. Obviosly we were absolutely dissapointed, they doesn´t make spanish food. 

They served us fish in breadcrumbs pretending as “spanish croquetas”, “hígados al jerez” without jerez, “patatas bravas” without salsa brava (just tomato with some herbs over).

We asked for a spanish omelette but read in the menu “spanish omelete: potatoes, eggs, onion and herbs” so we try to ask for it without herbs and the waiter told us that this was not possible because is already premade. Ridiculous.

We asked to a staff member about some of the dishes and she just said “Yes, spanish goujons, fish with breadcrumbs”. 

I am spanish and we have tried a lot of spanish restaurants around the uk and definetely, this is de worst.

My response was: 

“Estimada Señora San S, I wish my Spanish was nearly as good as your English to answer your review in that beautiful lingo of yours which I have been trying to learn for the last few years. All I can say is “Dos Cervezas, por favor” or “Hablas inglés?” and nothing more. 

So, I honestly commend you for using English to review my restaurant and will not be cheeky to correct any of your spelling mistakes. 

As for your review, please let me go through each and every one of your complaints “una por una”.

1-The “Croquetas de Pescado” we serve at Casa del Mar are indeed Fish Goujons, and not the frozen, fish-flavoured, perfectly-formed, ready-cooked potato croquettes that are served microwaved in most Tapas Bars in Spain. 

2-The Jerez that we use in our “Higado de Pollo àl Jerez” is genuine cooking Sherry as, according to the label, it is produced in that beautiful region of Andalucia, which I so adore. After all, the English word for Jerez is Sherry.

3-Our Patatas Bravas are made of fresh potatoes unlike the ones served in many Tapas Bars in Spain. Those are perfect cubes of reformed potato mash drizzled with mass-produced Salsa Brava that looks more like a spicy tomato mayonnaise than a real home-made tomato sauce. Mind you, I personally have nothing against those Patatas Bravas but I prefer to serve fresh stuff in my restaurants.

4-I would love you to point me to a Spanish Tapas Bar which serves made-to-order Tortilla Española. Walk into any of those in Spain, and you will find a ready-made Spanish omelette sitting proudly in a refrigerated cabinet on top of the bar, waiting to be sliced and microwaved to order. After all, a genuine one will contain fresh potatoes cooked from scratch, and I am afraid, I have not yet come across a type of potato that cooks in three minutes. 

I can assure you that my response is in no way trying to denigrate Spain, Spanish people or Spanish food. It is just that I find your review very condescending towards chefs that cook foreign foods. 

I am fairly certain that if you put your mind to it, you could make very tasty beans on toast. And you could even call them “Tostada de Habas”.