Bog Standard Toilet Humour

“You can judge a restaurant by the state of its toilets.” 

From a very early age, our son, Adam must have heard us say the above, and so, as soon as we entered a restaurant and before we were even seated, he would rush to the toilets for a quick inspection and return with a thumbs-up.
“Yes, we can eat here.” 

The truth is that you can indeed guess the state of the kitchen and the entire catering operation by how clean the toilets and communal spaces are. Diners are totally at the mercy of the places they patronise. Their health and safety depend on the management’s diligence. In an earlier publication, I recounted my dreadful case of food poisoning that I suffered at the age of 17. Ever since, I have been very careful about what crosses my lips and the eating places I frequent. 

I also wrote about the Poolie NON Vegetarian Curry Club of which I have been a member for the last year or so. Every now and then, we go out for a meal, a few pints and a waffle about football and any other subject that comes up during the few hours we share together. 

After the last two outings, a few of us experienced a dose of Delhi Belly and, although one usually would have put it down to the hot spices used, the state of the toilets at the offending establishment left a lot to be desired. When it came to a new gathering, last Thursday, I said that I would sadly have to skip it, were we to go back to the same place. 

I was delighted when the club put the matter to a vote and a new venue was selected. After an aperitif at a local pub, we headed for the restaurant. Before we even sat down, one of the members came back from the toilets with a thumbs-up. The linen was immaculate, the cutlery and crockery gleaming. 

Crispy poppadoms and tasty relishes were served as we browsed the menu. As soon as we placed our orders, one of the Poolie Club members rose to his feet and ceremoniously presented me with a carrier bag containing a toilet brush, a bottle of bleach, a pack of toilet paper and a pair of plastic gloves. 

“Just in case you find that the toilets aren’t up to your standard!” 
There were a few puns flying around… Lamb Shanks… Bog standard food… We all had a good laugh as I posed, gloves on, with the brush and bleach. 

We are most certainly guaranteed clean toilets for our next visit as before we vacated the restaurant, I left the cleaning items with the manager.