Peeling the onion one layer at a thyme

Have you ever fallen for a salesman’s silver tongue? Well, I have often stood in front of a market stall selling the newest wave in potato peelers, like a rabbit in the headlights, totally mesmerised at an expert at work, carving castles out of a simple Maris Piper or turning a lowly cucumber into a royal swan. And, yes, you’ve guessed I’ve unashamedly bought the gadget and proudly rushed home to try it. I will argue till I go blue in the face that it was a good buy, use it at least once or twice, then invariably stow away in a dark place where one day it will be found and sold at a car-boot sale.

A few weeks ago, I bought a box of Earl Grey tea from a shop in Middlesbrough.

I opened it when I got home, only to find that I had bought loose tea instead of teabags. Instead of going back to the shop, I scoured eBay and ordered one of these clever strainers. Now, tea-making has turned into a very ritualistic ceremony. 

Filling the strainer with its syringe action, pouring the boiling water over it, adding the honey and using the strainer to stir it and sweeten the hot beverage. 

Then disposing of the tea leaves, washing and drying the strainer, etc… A whole rigmarole just because I couldn’t be bothered to go back to the shop. 

I have used it for every cuppa I’ve made until someone suggested that I could use a cafetière instead. And, guess what, a couple of days ago, while food shopping, I inadvertently drifted into the kitchen aisle, only to find a one-cup cafetière. Worth a try. I am still not sure which is more useful between the two gadgets, but I have a feeling the one that eventually gains my favour, will be the one that is easiest to clean and put away. 

I have always been one to take constructive criticism on the chin and used it to improve things around our restaurants. However, every now and then, someone reviewing them either hits below the belt or totally misses the point of reviews. 

When I reply to one of those, I keep calm, have a coffee and respond without raising my voice.

Here is another one of my TripAdvisor’s rants that made a few people chuckle back in March 2017. 

Popular place but too overcrowded for me.

“Visited Portofino for a family meal close to Christmas. However, it was very busy, warm and too overcrowded for our liking. It shows how popular it is but we just had to leave.
Couldn’t wait for a table as after a short time it was making me feel claustrophobic. Maybe it’s better at a quieter time of year. Can’t comment on the food as we didn’t actually eat there.”

My response:

Dear sir,

I have to admit that your review made me smile this morning.

It looks like it took you all this time since Christmas to recover enough from your claustrophobia to write about Portofino being so popular that you had to leave before sampling a single mouthful of what makes our restaurant very busy. 

Mind you, I am not mocking people who suffer from claustrophobia, an irrational fear of confined spaces. I wouldn’t say that Portofino was a confined space, the main ceiling being two-storey high. 

As our quiet times can be counted on two hands, I can sadly conclude that you may not get to taste our delicious fayre. But if you hired out the entire restaurant, at a premium, of course, then you could partake in what makes Portofino very popular, without any ill effects to your hearing. 

Please forgive the above bit of banter; I am 1/3 retired and in need of daft entertainment. But, seriously you must understand that we need to be busy to make a living, pay the wages, the bills, etc…

If we could get away with charging around £100 a head instead of just over a tenner, then I am certain that we would only need to fill a tenth of our tables to cover our costs. But then, what kind of atmosphere would we have with four couples seated at each corner of the restaurant, gazing into each other’s eyes over a glass of Prosecco with the Gypsy Kings whispering Bamboleo in the background? 

The fact that you marked us 2/5 without even trying our food is certainly not fair, but Tripadvisor says that “The review complies with our submission guidelines and will remain published on TripAdvisor.” I cannot argue with an automated response.

If you want a quiet restaurant, I can assure you that sadly there are plenty of them about. 

But, you need to understand that they are quiet for many reasons. I let you think of at least one.